a few months ago I purchased a journal. I’ve kept it at arm’s distance ever since. i’m not gonna lie- it’s been rocky. & today, I feel this in my bones:
will I ever stop feeling this way? will the pain of existing ever stop? every moment is painful and nearly too much to bear. it seems like god isn’t listening… but I know that’s not the case because god doesn’t give up on people. right? maybe i’m a special case. no matter what I do i’m hurting those I love. existing. not existing. doesn’t matter. will the pain never end? i’m not strong enough for this.. the battle’s too much.
when is it okay to give up? how much pain does it take? is this enough?
it feels like a waiting game. I’ve never been a patient person.. this game is stupid.
two weeks ago I self injured and received stitches because of it… I’ve now had stitches five more times. ranging from 6 and 32 stitches each. i’m not sure what i’m hoping to accomplish by such severe cuts… I just know I want the pain to stop. I didn’t do it to get back at somebody . or because I wanted attention. I didn’t do it to make a statement. I did it because sometimes the emotional fog & pain in my head is so intense.. the only way to get rid of it is to cut it out. now, i’m sure there are much more healthy coping mechanisms out there- but I just know what works for me (unfortunately).
the first two times I SI’d (self injured), I went to the ER for them to stitch me up. the third time though, I went to Immediate Care Center. mainly because I was afraid after the third time, the ER would make me go for inpatient treatment. marc sewed me up (30+ stitches) & didn’t send me the hospital but made me promise I wouldn’t cut for two days. and something inside me clicked. two days. not forever. not just today because then I would be focused on tomorrow’s self harm.. but ‘two days’… two days might work. I just need to get through today and tomorrow. I might be able to do this.
every day is a battle that I really don’t feel like facing. each morning I have to look myself in the mirror and say. ‘two days, aimee. not forever. just 2 days. you got this.’ and most days I do got this. but not every day. and that’s okay- because i’m trying. trying so very hard. & hopefully today will be day two for me… or I will start over tomorrow. either way- i’m gonna keep fighting.