cross my fingers.

‘In, truth, you like the pain. You like it because you believe you deserve it.’

so much truth. I spent my afternoon in the local clinic’s office getting stitches on my thigh. again. I really have no idea what to do at this point. cutting is my only release. and I know it’s not healthy. I pray my children never ever attempt this. though it works… ultimately it won’t. in the end, the wounds on my heart will remain.. you cant heal wounds by making new ones. and while that is easy to say- it is not easy (for me) to follow. I need help. but I don’t know what kind. part of me wants to go back to the hospital but it hasn’t worked the other four times- why would it work now? maybe they could send me to a new hospital. but they won’t. i’m just going to sit on this huge ball of depressive pain and cross my fingers for better days to come.

is this enough?

a few months ago I purchased a journal. I’ve kept it at arm’s distance ever since. i’m not gonna lie- it’s been rocky. & today, I feel this in my bones:

7-28-19

will I ever stop feeling this way? will the pain of existing ever stop? every moment is painful and nearly too much to bear. it seems like god isn’t listening… but I know that’s not the case because god doesn’t give up on people. right? maybe i’m a special case. no matter what I do i’m hurting those I love. existing. not existing. doesn’t matter. will the pain never end? i’m not strong enough for this.. the battle’s too much.

when is it okay to give up? how much pain does it take? is this enough?