I’m tired. so tired. my body physically aches and I yearn to crawl in bed to hide from it all. most of today has been spent existing. staring into nothingness & simply doing nothing. because I can’t muster up enough strength to do anything more than keep the kids alive– which is no easy feat. it seems like the things that make me happy are few and far between. I love my people fiercely but i’m just so tired. and most of my day is spend wishing I can escape– anywhere but here. whatever this is… is weird for me. i’m used to feeling this way… numb to the world and exhausted beyond belief but it’s always paired with crippling depression. depression so bad that I don’t want to live. and since the latter is absent, I don’t know what to make of these feelings. I hate living like this. it’s a wasted life. i’m miserable. and I just want it to stop so I can enjoy life.. supposedly that’s what I should be doing anyways. but right not I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I don’t have the energy to do anything- a shower barely happened today. can it all just stop?
these marks are from my last stay at the mental health hospital. Aka: the
looney bin. (I can call it that- I’ve been FOUR times now… I’ve earned it.) These are the marks of a girl who had enough. she couldn’t survive it any longer with such pain inside her.. so she did what she needed to do. do I recommend this? ABSOLUTELY NOT. it is a very unhealthy coping mechanism I learned at the age of 15 (15+ years ago) and has crept back up in the last couple years. But at my most recent stay, I self harmed (no, i’m not going to tell you how) the day before I left. the doctors & nurses never knew- I made sure to wear long sleeves because I knew if they found out, I wouldn’t be going home anytime soon. but I should’ve told them. for the betterment of myself. I should’ve thought about what was best for ME in the situation && not worried so much about what was going on at home. but I didn’t. and I got out. & i’m not gonna lie- I’ve self harmed multiple times since. it’s my go-to, always.
These wounds will heal in time but my insides seem to never heal. one step forward, two steps back. most days I wonder how much longer i’ll make it… at this point I simply beg & pray to make it through today. && tomorrow will just have to worry about itself.
&& love always, Aimee
&& please know, it isn’t only me suffering from borderline personality disorder. my husband suffers with me too. daily. it affects our entire family. I did not choose this illness any more than they chose not to have it. but that doesn’t excuse me giving up. I know firsthand the monsters were never in the closet but in my head.. so I get up and I fight– every day. I cannot give up. it’s no longer an option. but it has taken a long time to get here. and it’s been exhausting. i’m still fighting- some days i’m not fighting for myself but for my children, my husband or simply what I want for their future. it doesn’t have to be about me- just as long as i’m fighting. and I never stop.
do I regret it- the cutting & all the harm I’ve done to myself over the years? no. I don’t. each and every scar holds a moment of pain, of agony & anguish. each scar holds a moment when I was broken and falling to pieces and had no other way to escape than to cut it out. my scars are victories that I’ve made it through it all, ALIVE… && they are just that- scars. not new wounds. memories of old ones. so I don’t regret it. if I didn’t go through it all… I wouldn’t be who I am today. and I kind of like her now.. she’s growing on me.
&& love always, Aimee