Looking back.. (TRIGGER WARNING)

Friday: January 18, 2019

I’m gonna kill myself tonight. Or i won’t. It’s currently 7:11pm and i’m enjoying a diet cherry 7up vodka soda.. And smoking. Within the next hour though, i will go inside and get my valium. And i’m going to decide one way or the other. To live or to die. To swallow the bottle full of pills and end this pain.. Or to continue to yet another agony filled day. I just don’t know if i can do it anymore.. I fear the pills may finally win tonight. I have fought for so long, i’m weak. And tired. And simply want to rest… to sleep peacefully and say goodbye to this world. My children will heal. My husband will have no problem moving on. The insurance money will cover our debt and my funeral. About that- i know i said i want to be cremated. I’ve reconsidered and want a burial site. I want my kids to be able to visit if they ever forgive me enough to be able to. I’m so sorry for all the pain i’ve caused each one of you and if i could’ve fixed it.. I would’ve. I fought long and hard. And i’m weak. And just done.

It’s tomorrow… 8:21am. I failed.

After being handed my prescription and appointment card, i sat in the waiting room quietly crying for ten minutes. Waiting for someone- anyone– to ask if i was okay. Because if they would have, i would have told them no. that i need help because i’m going to kill myself otherwise. But nobody questioned so i eventually walked out. I sat in that damn car for thirty minutes debating on going back inside to tell my doctor my plan for the night. But instead of going in, i took a breath, made my decision & calmly left the psychiatrists office. I picked up the girls from DJ’s and then spontaneously picked the big kids up from school early for a park playdate. We had so much fun at the park- even weston, though he was upset he missed dodgeball at school. For dinner we ordered pizza… something everyone would like. & we ordered the good kind (Round Table). Walter wanted supreme (which he doesn’t know i really dislike) so i said sure… and we had a nice meal as a family. After, i proceeded to head outside. Cup of ice in hand ready for my bong (and extra for the drink i planned on making). I smoked. & i drank. And wrote that sob story up there. After, i came inside, i cut a few times and showered- made sure to shave & put on nice panties since i planned on not waking up again. And honestly… i poured those pills in my hand multiple times. Never could get myself to take them though (i wanted to wait until the kids were asleep and i could just fall asleep peacefully in bed next to my husband… and drift off to nothingness). I did manage to drink 2 ½ strong cups of vodka soda though. Enough to where i told walter about my plans so he took my pills. Ended up falling asleep in hopes the valium that was already in me would be enough with the alcohol. But it wasn’t. Because i woke up this morning. Head pounding. Nice little reminder that i did not in fact get to finally rest but now will feel my eyeballs pounding out of my head all day. Awesome sauce. I’m still alive– yay.

today is 5/28/19. I feel differently (most days) than I did up there. but it’s been hard. and i’m still on this long journey to recovery.. seems I will never make it- but I know I will. just gotta keep at it!

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